As I write this, it is New Year’s Eve Eve, I’m looking at my unfinished list of New Year goals, and I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I’d like my 2025 to look like. These ideas include places to go, things to do, and people to see. I’ve also done some deep thinking about how I’d like to think and feel, and some internal changes I’d like to put into place.
You see, I have struggled with mental health for nearly my whole life. I was diagnosed as bi-polar about 8 years ago, and that brought me so much clarity! Since getting my meds pretty much situated, life has been much less chaotic. Although I still struggle to maintain self-esteem, self-confidence, and other internalized bs, I am definitely better than I was pre-diagnosis.
Cue the Bi-polar diagnosis
Bi-polar, for me, is a constant desire to be the perfect wife, mom, friend, and family member squashed by the constant depression from the inability to be all of those things. In an average day, I am expected to do A, B, and C. I’ll do A, forget B, and half-ass do C. As excited as I am about A, I feel guilty about B and C, which causes crying, anger and shortness with those around me, and promises to do better tomorrow. It’s a vicious cycle.
I think that the biggest issue for my sanity currently is the load of guilt that I feel for what my family has to deal with. My up and down episodes, crazy anxiety, my crappy memory, and my litany of half-started ideas and projects are enough to make anyone hard to deal with. I am constantly forgetting things, important things, and I know that makes my family confused, angry, and frustrated. But I also know that I am not doing any of it on purpose, and the fact that I can’t control it makes not just my family, but ME, sad and angry. It’s also a very scary thing to not remember… and scared is a horrible place to live.
The conclusion
So, that is what I have been thinking about when it comes to the upcoming year. I know that the happier I am, the healthier I am. I also know that happy, for me, comes from being creative, productive, grateful, and involved. Those qualities are hard for me, because comfortable means sleeping under the covers in the middle of the day, without a care in the world. Of course, comfortable and happy are not the same things. When I give in to comfortable, it makes me miserable in the long run because I ignore my responsibilities and that makes my family more upset, then cue the guilt, and around we go again.
With all of this in mind, I believe that what I need the most out of myself this year, is grace and forgiveness. For myself. If I give myself a little leeway when it comes to my mental health especially, I should feel a little less pressure to be perfect or feel compelled to do all the things. Grace and forgiveness are integral to not just being alive but thriving. I believe the thriving bit is what has been missing for so long. Thriving in the new year is tops on my list of New Year Goals.
I hope that my family and friends will be on board for my personal, internal transformation this year. I figure the easier I am on myself mentally, the easier going of a person I should be. In theory, anyway. Next on my list of “Things To Do” is to make a new list of habits that could help me on this journey. I love a good list! I’ve been journaling for a while… (I use this one – I have quite a potty mouth!) and it has helped kind of hone in and think about some of my issues. I need to keep that up and maybe expand into something that is less guided. Who knows. It’s a process, you know?
